You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize