My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
