Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
