I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
