He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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