i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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