I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
