My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
