Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
