We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Couch. On fire.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
