my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
