next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
