hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
