Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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