he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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