I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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