It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
BRING THE BAGELS
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
