Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
