a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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