apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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