the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
