happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
