what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
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You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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