I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Terrible idea I love it
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
