Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
