remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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