TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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