I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude i'm inner monologue high
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
