omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
