Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You are a genius and a whore.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
