Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
