the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
