and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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