operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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