I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
