I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
