I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
