I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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