Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
