I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
