Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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