Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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