i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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