I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize
