Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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