She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
