You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
