I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
