If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
