I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
