Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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