I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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