Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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