Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
