you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
