Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
