Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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