it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
