I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
