I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
