when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
